The Pianissimos
by danosulik
Summary: What if the Everwood characters were more like The Sopranos?
1. Yo, Pal, Start here

Here's another of my loopy, script-style parodies. Talk about a "whack" job …

Rating: R for language, innuendo, and general violencebr

Disclosure: I don't own "Everwood" or "The Sopranos" or any characters in either, so don't sue. And don't send Silvio. He's too friggin' ugly. br

Warning: parody (so expect weirdness) br

Comments: Ya wanna make somet'in of it, wise guy? br

Author's note: What, ya want me ta type de entiyah story in dialect spellin' like dis? Huh? Wattaya t'ink I am, da Hooked on Phonics Hitman? Read it in fa ya-self, awright? Why I oughta …


	2. Intro and Opening Credits

h2The Pianissimos/h2

IRV (dressed like limo driver, in black suit with white shirt and cap): I wasn't there the day Dr. Andrew Brown's life changed forever … [puts on very dark sunglasses] so fuggeddaboudit! [Turns and walks off set.]

NETWORK ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: "The Pianissimos" … coming up next.

[Cut to logo:]

"HMO.

Home Mob Office."

[Fade in slogan at bottom:]

"Whatta you lookin' at?"

[Opening visual: Oil refinery and other industrial sites, spewing fumes into cloudy sky, as seen through window of moving car, with "Woke Up This Morning" by A3 playing in background, as if on car radio.]

IRV'S VOICE: Everwood, New Jersey. Population 9,000 and stinkin'. Stuck in the no-man's-land between the New York burbs in the north, the Philly burbs in the south, the casinos and ghost towns on the shore, and the hills across the Delaware. Land of swamps and Superfund sites. Born to run my ass. This is where members of certain … families come when they need to, you know, lie low for a while. Or bury a few bodies. Look, broke cops are easy to pay off. br

[Cut to flashback of teenage Geraldo Abruzzi Jr. with father, in matching plaid pants, riding in golf cart driven by unidentified man in dark suit and sunglasses.] The Abruzzi family got squeezed out of Philly when bigger families -- and I don't mean with more kids -- cornered all their markets. Young Geraldo -- known as "Doc" like his father, because of their talent for "surgically removing" rivals -- tried to work his way into the New York rackets but never cut it … in part because of this man. br

[Cut to flashback of adult but beardless Andy Brunelli, in gray suit, stepping into limo guarded by men in black suits and sunglasses.] Andy "Fingers" Brunelli played a talent for trafficking in black-market medical supplies into ownership of the leading -- or at least best-connected -- medical waste disposal firm on the East Coast. And all that waste's gotta go somewhere. One rainy night, his wife was killed by a truck while driving to their son's piano recital. br

[Cut to scene of funeral.] The police said the crash was an accident … but "Fingers" had his doubts, so he abruptly packed up the kids and moved here.

[Cut to scene of "Doc" in second-floor window, looking down on Main Street.] Needless to say, "Doc" was none too happy to see him. His father had been "hit" years ago in New York, and his mother went to prison in a wave of federal prosecutions. She was due for release about the time "Fingers" arrived. This is the story of two families with something to hide … and something to prove. And maybe more. This is the story … of Everwood.

Opening credits: Piano arpeggio followed by melody -- not on violins, but on mandolin like in those Olive Garden commercials, with accordion blending into background. [Stereotype, you say? Yeah, we got your stereotypes … smack … right here, buddy!] Scenes of Main Street, still frames of characters, you know the drill. [Where's that friggin' ravioli anyway?]


	3. Act 1

[Opening shot: Interior, office. "Doc" faces window, glaring down on street through blinds. Frank Sinatra CD plays in background.]

FRANK'S VOICE: iThat's why the lady iiiis a tramp …/i

DOC [hearing buzz from intercom on desk, pressing button on intercom]: What is it, Louisa?

INTERCOM: Sir, you have-

[Door bursts open without knock, and 20ish woman with light brown hair walks in.]

DOC [looking up]: Annamaria? How many times have I told you to-

ANNAMARIA: Yeah, Pop? What are you gonna do about it? And how long are you gonna sit in here, staring out that damn window?

DOC [turning back toward window, bending blinds with fingers]: I smell trouble.

ANNAMARIA: With a capital T, and that rhymes with B, and that stands for-

DOC [sharply, turning to face Annamaria]: Don't even say that name here!

ANNAMARIA: Oh, get a grip, Papa! Pot's only supposed to make you paranoid after you smoke it.

DOC: That better be hearsay, young lady! [Turns back toward window.] I knew I never shoulda let you date that Carlucci punk.

ANNAMARIA: Tommy's not a … besides, what was I supposed to do after I found my boyfriend in bed with my-

DOC: We don't talk about that kind of stuff in this family!

ANNAMARIA: No, they just do it behind your back while you can't bring yourself to say the words!

DOC [sighing]: Colino has every bar in this county making cash for us. Between video poker betting and the Artuccis' liquor distributorship, nobody can touch us, and nobody can squeal. He would've made a fine son-in-law.

ANNAMARIA: Yeah, if he'd go to Massachusetts to marry your-

DOC [facing Annamaria again]: I said we don't talk about that in this family! We got enough trouble trying to locate the Godmother since she got out of the joint. [Turns toward window again.] She could be in Costa Rica by- [Opens eyes wider, pushes blinds farther apart.] What the …

[Cut to exterior shot of building across street -- former train station renovated into Brunelli office. White-haired woman in leather coat stands in front of door, shaking hands with "Fingers." Cut back to Doc's office.]

DOC: No! This is not possible! If my father ever saw-

ANNAMARIA: Saw what, Papa? [Walks around desk, toward window.]

DOC: Her!

ANNAMARIA [looking out window]: Nana?

DOC: Talking to … shaking hands with … him!

ANNAMARIA: Well, you did cut her out of the business while she was in -

DOC: That doesn't give her the right … if there's one thing I thought we had in this family, it was-

ANNAMARIA: Loyalty? [Faces, Doc, laughs derisively.] Maybe you should ask your son about that! If you're still speaking to him … I know I'm not.

[Cut to interior of house. Pubescent girl in jeans, sweatshirt, and Yankees cap stands in front of piano in living room, pressing keys with look of idle curiosity. Slim 20ish man in tight T-shirt and distressed-finish jeans, with dark brown hair dyed vaguely purplish, walks angrily into room.]

EFRAMO: I said stop that! Stop that right now!

DELIA [turning to face Eframo]: It's just sitting here since-

EFRAMO: I don't care! I don't want to hear any more-

FINGERS [walking into room]: And I don't want to hear any more of you two bickering! [Looking at Delia.] Go to your room!

DELIA: But-

FINGERS: Now!

[Delia pouts, then walks out, turning to glare at Eframo as she goes.]

FINGERS [turning to face Eframo]: She's right, you know. You need to start playing again.

EFRAMO: Oh, like you ever cared if I friggin' played or not!

FINGERS: When is it going to stop, Eframo? The fighting, the acting out -

EFRAMO: Oh, is that what you call it? You move us here to the middle of nowhere, your clothes look like you slept in 'em, you grow this ugly-ass beard, and bI'm/b the one who's acting out?

FINGERS: You think my beard is ugly?

EFRAMO: I hate you! [Grabs coat and walks out of room toward front door of house.]

FINGERS: I hate you right back, you … hey, come back here, you little bas-

EFRAMO: You can pay off every capo in Manhattan, but you can't pay off me and Delia! [Door slams.]

[Cut to interior of office. "Doc" sits in high-backed leather chair, behind desk. Two 20ish men with curly hair, one blond and one black-brown, sit in lower-backed chairs facing him.]

DOC [drily]: And you two knew nothing about this.

COLINO: I didn't see a thing, Doc. [Turning to blond.] You?

BRIGHT EYES [shaking head, looking down]: Sorry.

DOC: Sorry is right. This is outrageous! How could things possibly get any worse?

BRIGHT EYES: Well, we could-

DOC: Oh, who asked you! [Turns to Colino.] My father's one regret was ever getting a woman involved in the business. None of the other capos did. He told me once, the less a wife knew, the safer she was. That's why I've always kept Rosa away from … all this.

COLINO [shrugs, smirks]: Can't argue with success.

BRIGHT EYES [looking at Doc]: So why'd you let Annama-

DOC [turning to face Bright Eyes]: You know damn well why I got her involved.

BRIGHT EYES: Oh, yeah? Why?

DOC: Because you're not smart enough! [Turns to face Colino.] Oh, like you loved him for his mind!

BRIGHT EYES: Pop …

DOC [turning to face Bright Eyes]: I know, I'm … I'm sor-

BRIGHT EYES [glaring at Doc]: Save it. Me and you are like … ketchup and peanut butter. [Looks down at hands.] Just tell us the plan.

DOC: Well, while your sister's working on … something that doesn't involve either of you two … I want you two to work on a way to hit "Fingers" where he lives.

COLINO [raising eyebrows]: You know, I just might have something there.

[Bright Eyes turns, looks blankly at Colino.]


	4. Act 2

[Cut to takeout counter at Mama Joy's. Annamaria, sitting in booth near door, watches Eframo pick up order and turn toward door. Two 20ish men in leather jackets walk in, look at Eframo, laugh. Oh, and name 'em yourself, I got my hands full.]

PATRON #1: What's with the hair, pal? Drugstore run out of green?

[Eframo rolls eyes, walks past them.]

PATRON #2: Hey, punk … my buddy asked you a question.

EFRAMO [turning to face both]: Oh, I'm sorry. You see, I don't speak dumbass. But apparently you do, so maybe you can interpret for me. [Smirks, shakes head, turns, walks out door. Annamaria gets up from table and follows.]

ANNAMARIA [catching up to Eframo on sidewalk]: You were bold back there.

EFRAMO: I find the best way to deal with enemies is a pre-emptive strike. Let them think I have some secret butt-kicking prowess.

ANNAMARIA: Must have come in handy back in New York.

EFRAMO: How'd you know I'm from -

ANNAMARIA: New faces aren't hard to miss here. [Extends hand.] Annamaria.

EFRAMO [shaking Annamaria's hand]: Eframo. So … why you talking to me?

ANNAMARIA [looking blankly at him]: What do you mean?

EFRAMO: Girls like you don't usually talk to guys like me unless they have a hidden agenda.

ANNAMARIA [smirking]: Mine's world domination. Anyway, we should have … lunch sometime.

EFRAMO [chuckling]: Might as well. Here?

ANNAMARIA: Suits me. Oh, and … I like your hair. [Smiles, turns, walks away.]

EFRAMO [to himself, watching her walk away]: Not bad … [smirking] for a chick.

[Cut to park on edge of town, in afternoon. Cars enter, leave, and sit in parking lot. Solitary drivers look each other over. From cab of pickup truck, two men watch. Fade Mix of "Plenty" from "Sarah McLachlan Remixed" CD plays in background.

SARAH'S VOICE [over synthesizer ostinato and drumbeats]: iI would not let myself believe that you might stay …/i

BRIGHT EYES: Dude, you know this place squicks me out. Half these guys are old enough to be my -

COLINO: So? We're not here for that, man.

BRIGHT EYES: And how do you know he's even going to be here?

COLINO: Where else would he go in this town? [Chuckles darkly, turns to see car with faded gray paint enter lot … a mid-'90s vintage Chevy Nova, which is really a Toyota but won't get trashed on union construction sites. ]

SARAH'S VOICE: iI thought I'd be with you until my dying daaaa-aay …/i

COLINO [seeing Nova back into parking space on opposite side of lot]: That's him.

[Zoom in on car as driver, a slim 20ish man with spiky brownish-blond hair, nervously scans lot. He sees Colino walking toward him, steps out of car, closes door, and leans against driver's side, smiling.

BRIGHT EYES [approaching from other side of car]: Well, if it isn't Walnuts, our friend from the city.

WENDELL [wide-eyed, shaking, turning to look at Bright Eyes, then back at Colino]: How does he know my … wait, how do you-

BRIGHT EYES [grinning]: Oh, you might think I'm a moron, but you'd be sooo wrong.

COLINO: Hey, stranger. Remember me?

WENDELL: I-I'm not into three-

COLINO: We're not here for that. We have a little … business.

WENDELL: Dude, you told me you weren't a narc!

COLINO [laughing]: Me? Hell, the rookie who works this park's blown me a dozen times. You, however …

BRIGHT EYES: Might want to give us some information.

COLINO: To avoid the wrong kind of … handcuff party.

BRIGHT EYES: We know you work for Brunelli. What's he doing here?

WENDELL: H-here?

BRIGHT EYES: In Everwood, dorkface.

COLINO [in pseudo-reassuring tone, patting Wendell's shoulder]: We just want to understand what's on his mind. [Flashes eyebrow up and down, this time without smiling.] What makes him … tick … tick … tick …

WENDELL: H-h-he thought his family was in danger. His wife was killed, and he … thought his kids might be next.

COLINO: Well, we certainly wouldn't want anything to happen to his …

WENDELL: Son, about our age … and daughter, younger.

COLINO: Because that kind of fear …

BRIGHT EYES [smiling]: Might make him move again?

WENDELL: Dude, please! I'm just the bookkeeping intern! And w-w-webmaster. And-

COLINO: Oh, we wouldn't want to hurt you … would we, Bright Eyes? [Grins.]

[Cut to bedroom with really loud floral wallpaper. Annamaria and friend with shorter, much darker hair sit on floor, leaning backs against side of bed. "It's Bad, You Know" by R.L. Burnside plays in background.]

ANNAMARIA: So what happened to that guy you were seeing?

LAYNIE [chuckling]: Bobby? He's dating some stripper named Madison. [Rolls eyes.] Seems he's got a thing for blondes who bite their lip.

ANNAMARIA: Another habit I know not to take up. Just as well. Guys always think with their dicks.

LAYNIE: At least the ones we know. …

R.L.'S VOICE: iShe asked me why. … I just went on and told her./i [Actually, it's more like "Shih ast mih waah … ah jes wennon tollah" … but you knew that, right?]

LAYNIE: So what's with you and Brooding Boy from Brooklyn?

ANNAMARIA: Manhattan, and I'm … [smirks] just doing research.

LAYNIE [smiles slyly]: Business or personal?

ANNAMARIA: With family, there's a difference?

LAYNIE: Just don't get burned, OK? Some people in this town have long memories.

ANNAMARIA: Like I don't know that?

LAYNIE: Yeah, but they'll be around long after the Brunellis are gone.

ANNAMARIA: And you think I want to be?


	5. Act 3

[Cut to back yard of house. Colino and Bright Eyes stand outside house, facing gray metal box about eye level.]

BRIGHT EYES: And you trust the code Walnuts gave you?

COLINO [smirking]: You hear any alarms?

BRIGHT EYES [snarling]: So of course I get the dangerous part.

COLINO [with plaintive look in eyes]: I need you to make me feel safe.

[Bright Eyes rolls eyes, pulls tools from pocket, picks lock on box, opens box, manipulates contents. Lights go out.]

COLINO [smirking]: Silencers make you such a chick magnet.

BRIGHT EYES: Shut up. Besides, you sure we need 'em for this?

COLINO: Chill, man. We're just gonna shoot a few holes in family heirlooms and jet before they get back. [Smirks.] They'll have movers from Montclair here by morning.

BRIGHT EYES: Got it. [Holds out fist. He and Colino bump knuckles.]

[Colino and Bright Eyes walk into house, prowl through darkened rooms, then separate. Cut to shot of Bright Eyes in undefined room. Startled by sound of motion, he pivots and fires several times with silencer on, then fumbles for light switch.]

BRIGHT EYES [grinning]: Take that, city pu- … [Face falls.] Oh my …

[Cut to exterior of darkened house.]

BRIGHT EYES [shouting from inside house]: Nooooooo!!!

[Cut to Doc's office, at night. Bright Eyes sits in chair facing Doc's desk, looking down, as Doc paces around office.]

DOC: So then you drove him to Bucks Rock and dumped him in the lake.

BRIGHT EYES: Well, nobody's there at that time of night! I-I weighed him down with rocks. A-and I hooked his fingers through the gun so it'd look like-

DOC: Yeah, like that's gonna fool anyone. Even if the cops buy it, you know Artucci won't. "Bottles" may be blotto every night, but he's not-

BRIGHT EYES: Stupid like me.

DOC [sighing]: Look, I won't make this worse. But you can't expect me to be pleased. You went to scare off "Fingers" and instead … anyway. We gotta get you outta here. … Let me think …

BRIGHT EYES [looking up nervously]: Out of town?

DOC: Try out of the country. … Wait a minute … I need to put some cash in that bank on Grand Cayman and launder it. [Turns to face Bright Eyes.] You could go there and … stay. One-way trip. Sun, beaches -

BRIGHT EYES: Won't that make the feds-

DOC: Oh, for God's sake! You buy a round-trip ticket and just don't show for the return flight. By the time the friggin' Brits notice, you can buy two fake identities before they even call the nearest embassy.

BRIGHT EYES: What about … what about Mom?

DOC: Just pack. I'll talk to her.

[Cut to front hallway of Brunelli house. Eframo faces "Fingers" with coat on, hands in pockets, and closed door in background.]

FINGERS [hanging coat on coat tree]: We got a shipment of CDs coming in from China tomorrow. I want you get right on it first thing-

[Ear-piercing, high-pitched scream interrupts Andy, who turns to face toward center of house, as does Eframo.]

DELIA [wide-eyed, running into front hall]: There's blood stains! On the floor!

FINGERS: Any noises from upstairs?

DELIA: No. What are we going to-

FINGERS: Call 911. And tell 'em we don't know if anyone's here. That way they'll come faster. [Delia runs to phone.]

EFRAMO: Oh, that's brilliant. You are so friggin' clueless.

FINGERS: Excuse me?

EFRAMO: Who do you think's mayor of this stinkhole? Doc's wife! Their daughter told me when she was getting all flirty over lunch. I'm surprised their idiot son's not police chief. Probably will be in a few years.

FINGERS: Well, what do you expect me to do, Eframo?

EFRAMO: You said we'd be safer here. Bullshit! We were safer back home. We never had a broken window back there, let alone this. And there we could blend in. Be anonymous. Here we're like … the new pandas at the zoo or … or the gay penguin couple at the aquarium! [Lunges and opens door before Andy can stop him.]

FINGERS: Where the hell do you think you're-

EFRAMO: Anywhere but here! [Slams door on way out.]


	6. Act 4

[Cut to Newark Airport, inside terminal. Bright Eyes looks up at departures monitor, nervously scanning list of flights. Two 20ish men with heavy eyebrows, wearing trench coats, walk up behind him.]

TOMMY: Turn around, Bright Eyes.

BRIGHT EYES [after turning to face Tommy]: Every now and then I … fall apart?

TOMMY [taking Bright Eyes' arm, grinning]: Mr. Artucci thinks you're in no shape to fly.

TOMMY'S COMPANION [taking Bright Eyes' other arm, grinning]: Yeah, he'd like to take you for a little ride on his boat instead.

BRIGHT EYES: There's … nothing I can say?

[Cut to shot of '80s vintage Lincoln Town Car in middle of vacant lot, at night, being engulfed by explosion and fire.]

EFRAMO [watching from distance, face illuminated by glow from fire]: So remind me, why did we just steal the bodies of two homeless guys from the morgue -

WENDELL: We didn't steal 'em! I did a little bartering with my buddy the coroner.

EFRAMO: And then blow up my car, with the bodies in them? Besides the fact that my car was like two cars, older than me, and painted a color called ugly?

WENDELL [backhanding Eframo above the elbow]: So your dad'll think that's us! [Turns to face Eframo.] Dude! You know that's the only way out of a lifetime trafficking in illegally dumped medical waste. Or, in your case, bootleg CDs.

EFRAMO [turning to face Wendell]: So instead we're going to Pittsburgh. To a comic store.

WENDELL: They have that Japanese stuff you're into!

EFRAMO: Manga. In Pittsburgh. Riiiiight.

WENDELL: Besides, it's just so my cousin can hide us till we can get fake passports and go to Toronto.

EFRAMO: You know, they have witness protection. In this country. With better bagels. And much less snow.

WENDELL: Dude! You want to trust your safety to a government that want to change the friggin' Constitution to keep us apart? You wound me!

EFRAMO: All right, but what are we going while we're hiding?

[Wendell looks at Eframo and grins. Eframo grins back as camera slowly zooms out.]

[Cut to shot of "Fingers" hugging Delia, hand in her hair as her face presses against his shoulder.]

IRV'S VOICE: Sometimes blood really is thicker than water. br

[Cut to closeup of Bright Eyes' face, eyes tearing up, in middle seat of truck cab, with Tommy on passenger side and his companion driving.] But then … so is manure. br

[Cut to shot of limo driving past squad car parked in front of Brunelli house.] And crankcase oil when I'm overdue for a change. Like now.br

[Cut to shot of Eframo and Wendell, arms around each other's waist, leaning toward each other tentatively for kiss alongside Wendell's car.] All I know is, young love can be … an irresistible force. br

[Cut to shot of Amy walking down Main Street at night, backlit by streetlight, hair blown by wind.] Just like the yearning for freedom. br

[Cut to shot of Doc in darkened office, face illuminated only by dim light through blinds.] Or for revenge. br

[Cut to shot of Tommy cocking his head and grinning from stern of boat as it pulls away from pier at night, fading into mist from wake.] Or for cold, hard cash. br

[Cut to shot of "Bottles" downing shot of whisky from glass in right hand while left hand holds open bottle.] Or for that good, stiff drink that's waiting for me when I get home. God knows I could use one.br

[Cut to interior shot of car on interstate in dark. Wendell, in driver's seat, and Eframo, in front passenger seat, sing along with Nikki French dance remix of "Total Eclipse" on car stereo, making suitably diva-like arm gestures, as camera slowly zooms out.]br

IAnd I need you now tonight,br

and I need you more than ever,br

and if you'll only hold me tight,br

we'll be holding on forever,br

and we'll only be making it right,br

'cause we could never be wrong together …/I


	7. Closing Credits and Coming Attractions

NETWORK ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Next on "The Pianissimos" …

[Scenes play in picture-in-picture window as closing credits roll. Cut to living room of house.]

DOC: Rosa, what's wrong?

ROSA [sobbing]: This. [Hands envelope to Doc.]

DOC [opening handwritten letter in perfect cursive writing, reading from it]:

"Dear Mom and Pop, br

Miss you, wish you were here. Mr. A says hi.br

Bright Eyes" br

[Pulls object from envelope, recognizes SpongeBob watch. Looks at Rosa, tears streaming from her eyes.]

[Cut to dining room, close-up on Annamaria.]

ANNAMARIA: I might as well be dead. And you know what? I don't even care!

[Cut to interior of office.]

FINGERS: You think I should stay in town because "Bottles" knows where my son is?

EDNA: Well, he sure as hell knows where my grandson is. Or was, if you get my drift. And if anyone in this town knows where Junior might -

FINGERS: Understood.

[Cut to interior of motel room.]

AMY [holding up bottle of clear liquid, with tearful expression on face]: You say this'll make me feel happy?

TOMMY: Careful, babe. Too much of that'll make you unconscious.

AMY [smiling wistfully]: Then we'll just have to do it together.

[Cut to Doc's office, close-up on his face, showing grim expression. Cut to shot of him standing behind desk. Doc pulls gun from drawer, fires it at someone unseen.]

[Cut to HMO logo.]

END


End file.
